“I don’t know anything in life harder than marriage!”…Angie

I have hesitated writing this post for sometime because no matter how many disclaimers I put on here or how clear I state facts, because I am the author, it is assumed, the subject matter I speak on is about me and my personal life. Well, let me try to put a disclaimer and say, this post is about me and the world at large! It is about you and you; all of us from the days of Adam and Eve until July 9, 2009. My reason for writing this is not about me personally per se, although I experience and suffer the same things the rest of humanity experiences and suffers, I am writing because any subject that continues to come my way and slap me in the face time and time again, day after day, becomes a kleverkathy topic! Today I am talking about relationships.

Although this subject can fit all types of relationships, right now I am speaking about romantic relationships; whether it is boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife. Two things on this subject: why oh why, do we as people, try to make others believe, especially when we first meet them, we have a solid, storybook, near perfect relationship? And the other thing, why can’t we treat each other with decency and respect?

If we have lived at least a couple of decades and have normal vision and normal hearing capabilities, we know storybook/fairy tale/popcorn and pink shoelaces kind of a love is not true! Doesn’t exist. Storybook is just that, storybook. IF happily ever after is achieved, it doesn’t come without battle scars along the way. LET THE RECORD SHOW: I do believe there are good marriages and happy couples but right now, I am speaking on “real” relationships.

Recently I met a friend. They told me they had been married 15 plus years and were happily married. You know deep within, my eye brow was rising in skepticism. Well… the more I got to know them and the closer we became as friends, (didn’t take me too long) I found, they are most miserable! Matter of fact, they are separated. Now why on earth did they smile with glee and lead me to believe they were Ward and June Cleaver? Walking around with an internal note pad in my head, I came to realize years ago, there is no such thing as Ward and June Cleaver! Doesn’t exist! Do you know any woman who is a “stay at homer” and wears pearls and high heels to serve dinner and vacuum and dust and clean the toilets? Nor are there any relationships that don’t: have the ups and downs, go hot and cold, swell to the mountains and dip to the valleys, and even at times, plummet to the depths of despair! Yet, because we all so desperately long for the beautiful Cleaver life, we will in hopelessness, with hopefulness, lie about it to others and even to ourselves!

As a woman who waited four decades plus to marry, I thought I had seen it all regarding relationships. Of course, growing up in church and being somewhat sheltered, I had seen a lot, but definitely had not seen it all. Even if I had seen it all, the one thing I couldn’t record in my internal notes without experience was the deep, intense, overwhelming and inescapable feelings connected with the covenant/commitment of marriage! Aaaaaaaaah! (had to holla right there!)

Today I talked to a woman who has been through it. Last week I talked to a woman who has been through it. Three weeks ago I talked to a woman who has been married 45 years and been through it. Person after person after person, been through it! My question for this post is dealing with the “been through it”. Why is it so hard to be decent in romantic relationships? I am not saying people have to stay together forever, but why can’t we all just be decent to that person we claim to love, or at one point in life, had claimed to love? Part II of this question, why is infidelity no longer the exception but the norm? And part III of this question, if partners aren’t happy, why don’t they just make a clean break, end things with dignity and move on? Why are we a “have your cake and eat it too” society with absolutely no regard for covenant, commitment, marriage, God or the other person?

I am not a cell phone that is upgraded when a new model comes out. I am not the station wagon that gets left in the garage when mid life crisis hits and the Harley appears on the scene. Yea, you might still drive me but only out of necessity and not for pleasure or joy. I still want to be highly regarded! I am not the comfort zone where you scratch, fart and burp, while her/his place is where you shine and show the best of what your mamma instilled in you. You cannot get so use to me that I become your verbal whipping board for everything wrong that ails you while he/she gets your pretty words, your mature grown up conversation, your kind listening ear, your smart intellectual interaction spoken in a “before I got married” gentle tone, that you stopped using six weeks after we said ‘I do”?

I am by no means just talking about what men do to women, because statistics says, women are rapidly catching up! But men are typically at the top of the leader board. I have played and quoted Ray Parker Jr’s song, A Women Needs Love, for my husband so many times; he could probably sing it in his sleep! But the truth of the matter is, one of the reasons I believe women do it is because they are retaliating. And I know a few who did the “retaliation cheating” but admit, it isn’t really in their heart, they just wanted to make him hurt like he made her hurt. Lord what are we doing…

Here is my last thought on this subject for now, until you comment and I hear what you have to say; there is no reason good enough to disrespect your partner, especially if you are married. There is not one excuse valid enough to make the person you love or used to love, suffer through your insecurities, low self esteem, lack of confidence, superficial need (they’re prettier/more handsome than you), desire to have your ego stroked, MID-LIFE CRISIS, grass hunting (the grass looks greener on the other side), etc.

Check this out… an affair is easy and most uncomplicated. You get to show them exactly and only the things you want them to see. You can always have your best foot forward. You stay on guard and don’t relax down to the real you. But once you introduce them to your bills/finances, lack of this, inability to do that, your bad kids that are 50% you and 50% your partner and ain’t feelin’ nobody else, and once they get a good whiff of your morning breath and see your love handles unclothed and realize, yes your poop does stink; you will be climbing back over the fence to “less green” grass. Let’s just hope someone still lives there… Fortunately, all grass has potential to be green and greener and greener, it is just a matter of how it is nurtured, fertilized, cared for, admired, loved, etc. Trust me, I know! I took great care of my yard but not every yard around me was as green. My neighbor across the street did her thing too but… we spent lots of time in our yards. We babied our yards and ended up proud of them and wanting to spend time out there looking at them. Same same with a relationship! Don’t you think?

My sister, who has told me a lot of funny, but true things, recently asked me; do we know ANY couple who hasn’t been affected by infidelity? Together we came up with about three precious, God fearing couples. lol. 

These are just MY thoughts. For all my haters, each and every thing I have said here, applies to me too! I have to look in the mirror and say to myself: either be true blue and do what you vowed to do, or make a clean break and leave everybody’s dignity in tack! I am not exempt from a relationship tragedy!

Holla back!