Ouch, That Hurt! That’s What Friends Are For… Written by: J.H. Flakes II
Sweet Monday to you!
Daily, I receive a devotion written by a local pastor here in Columbus, GA, J.H. Flakes II. To be honest, I don’t read every one, every day but I read this one and it spoke to me and I wanted to share it with you!
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Good morning, our devotion for today will be coming from Proverbs 27:6 “The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.” Remember; wherever you are today meditate on this.
Notice in the devotional verse how the “enemy” is seen as the one giving the “kisses.” We still use that same terminology today, only now we call it “kissing up.” That’s an enemy for you. God’s not saying that we shouldn’t look for opportunities to be encouraging, that we shouldn’t be quick to say nice things that build each other up. But the person who’s always effusing these wonderful things non-stop is being cowardly in the matter of real friendship.
I’ll admit to you, this doesn’t really sound right at first. We think the Lord would be most pleased with us when we dish out the kindnesses, when we’re gushing with positive things to say. But no, the compliments or “kisses” of a friend don’t even get discussed here. The highest friend, the best friend according to God’s word is the friend who’s willing to be wounded. Yes, wounded. “The wounds of a friend.”
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of an honest word from someone who truly cared for you, then you know how “trustworthy” those wounds can be. Sure, they can sting for a while, but one day we find out just how valuable they are. On the other hand, the friend who does the wounding must be prepared to be injured as well. If we tell someone something difficult, even a good friend is liable to respond with, “I don’t really want to hear this from you. What right do you have to point this out to me? Who do you think you are?” The answer is: “I’m a friend who loves you enough to tell you this hard thing even if you’re going to hate me for saying it.” That hurts. The friend who’s willing to be wounded in order to get a piece of information through to you is a real friend.
Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friends.” This is not two friends sipping milk shakes at McDonalds. This is intense. There’s friction involved. Backs stiffen. Muscles flex. Sparks fly. But the result is growth and character, depth and purpose, richness and beauty. It’s all the things a friend really wants.
How big of an investment have you been making lately in the lives of your friend? What could you begin doing to strengthen, sharpen, and challenge your friends? Have a blessed/wounded day!
Your brother in Christ,
J. H. Flakes II
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Do you think a true friend should be able to tell us ANYTHING, as a friend, or do you think there are boundaries, even for friends?
Holla back!
I currently do not have anyone in my life other than my husband and my family that I would call my true friends. I have friends that I grew up with that I don’t keep in contact with on a regular basis and people that I have regular contact with that I would consider to be friends/associates, but not true friends. I consider a true friend to be one that you have the comfort level of being able to give and take the raw truth on just about any subject matter. There are some subjects that just shouldn’t be discussed with anyone other than your spouse (even though real close friends do sometimes). And there are subjects you sometimes don’t want to discuss with your spouse…just your friends. Another test of true friendship is whether they can be trusted with the information you tell them. If they are found to be loosed lipped, then they go in another category. Somebody once said Loose lips sink ships. Keep that in mind when you’re sharing your private business. True friends are a rarity and should be treasured as such.
I tell my girls all the time you only need two or three (three’s pushing it) GOOD friends. They rest are just ok friends. Nothing deep.
I agree with Suppy, there are some things my BEST of BEST friends will never know (concerning my husband). Then there are things that I will never tell my husband (he fits into the loose lips category).
You know I could say alot but my fingers just won’t allow me to type everything I feel. But, my husband has a friend that is SUCH a JERK! I mean simply gets on my nerves. He was married to a really nice woman and treated her so bad. They divorced and he found another woman, courted her, married her. They came to visit us and I could tell he was still his same ol Jerkie self. Well, he divorced her too. Lucky her. He called my husband and told him he found someone else. This has happened over a period of years. I ask my husband every time he tells me something about him, “What did you say?” “Did you tell him….blah blah blah?” He doesn’t tell him the truth. I feel that it is my duty as a friend to tell my girlfriends the truth (in love). I had a friend that was going thru things in her marriage and her husband talked to me (a little) and I tried to tell her. Months later everything hit the fan and he left her and they are now divorced. I would have felt bad if I hadn’t try to tell her a little something.
Gotta go. Getting off work and I gave my key to someone to use so I can’t lock the door. I’ll finish later. Bye :0(
Ain’t this a mess!
I agree with most everything that’s been said so far…with family, jobs, church and some me time, who has time for friends. Growing up, my mom always disapproved of my friends. I knew what she wanted for me and I wanted that too but I just didn’t attract those kinds of people. Then husbands came along and I got pulled into the smothering waters of marriage and no one saw my white flags waving for a friendly hand. I just learned to live with it. My mom was my very best girlfriend. There is just none like her and I miss that sometimes. Now having girlfriends just isn’t important to me. I have some but I just don’t call and keep up with them…they have families and other interests. With each friendship you have boundaries. The boundaries are set by the degree of closeness you have. I love hearing about girlfriends being together and what all they do. That’s a true gift of friendship! I also like hearing about family reunions. Reconnecting with family brings such a good feeling especially when nobody is fighting…uhmm uhm! Some of my most hellish behavior I told to some of my friends. Others might end up hearing about them but it won’t be because I told it…I would share Karen and Sup’s advice for healthy guidelines for friendships with anyone!
Hmmmm…. I think we have slightly strayed as the devotion was on being able to be a friend by – telling another friend the truth in love and by being able to accept the truth in love – but I am fine with the way the conversation is going. Let me weigh in and say, I don’t believe in conditional love. Thus and therefore I don’t completely 100% trust anyone; no, not anyone. Even in the bible when God was fed up he destroyed a city and he is the ultimate lover! My point, girlfriends are great to have. I believe some are in your lives forever and some, for a season. I also think you know which friend you can trust with what information. Some of the people I could probably trust more than anyone have passed through my life for only a short time. On the flip side, I have not always been a good friend and have had to work on being a better person to help myself become a better friend. Plus, I have high expectations and I know I do. I judge other’s friendship abilities on my own. I don’t always feel I get the same level of friendship as I give; therefore, it becomes a problematic relationship. I do have a few friends I can tell them what I think and how I feel. I have one that tells me a few days later, you hurt my feelings but I understand what you were saying. She is really good about it because she never stops talking to me, she grits her teeth and takes it but because we are the way we are with each other, she knows good and well, I am not saying it to hurt her but to open her eyes to something she may not be able to see or to honestly help her. And! She does the same to and for me!
But I hear you Leah about your mom being your best friend and the lack of interest in friends, just another area of possible problems. I hear you Sup about not telling your husband everything, and I hear you Karen about your loose lipped man! rotfl!!!
Kat,
I could only comment on what I have. I don’t have anybody in my life like that other than my mother. Not even my husband and he knows it. My husband can’t handle my raw truth most of the time, even when I say it nicely. I refer to him because our spouses should be our best friends. And I’ve discovered that the only way to speak to men about serious issues is without tiptoeing around it. Otherwise they’ll totally misunderstand what you’re trying to say. My mother knows many things about me that nobody else knows. Only God knows it all. I typically don’t hold grudges against people, but if I’ve been wronged to the point of pain it’s usually from family. Some family members need cooling off periods. Can I get an Amen somebody! By the way, does anybody know what show it was where they said loose lips sink ships? Was it Fred Sanford, Good Times or what? I remember the phrase but not which show it was. Sorry Kathy, I’ll get back to the point. Honestly, I haven’t had the type of non-family girlfriends this topic is about since I left California. That’s pretty sad.
Over the years, I’ve learned to have three levels of friendship: outer circle, inner circle, and sanctuary. I have quite a few outer circle friends (e.g. friends that I hang out with, call on occasion, talk about inconsequential things with, etc.). However, my inner circle and sanctuary are reserved for “true” friends. I have 2 true friends who make up my inner circle (e.g. know more intimate things about me, can trust them to be there when I need them, etc.) Now my sanctuary is the highest level of friendship for me. Besides my husband and my mom, I have one friend on that level. I know that I can count on them to tell me the unadulterated truth, and they are doing it in love, not out of spite or to be hurtful! In addition, the 1 friend in my sanctuary, I can pretty much tell her ANYTHING (not that I tell her everything, like Sup said, you just don’t do that)and I know it stays with her! Up to this date, I have not heard from anyone else anything I’ve told her in confidence! That is what I call a true friend!
Because I’ve known the two friends in my inner circle since 1986 and 1994, and the friend in my sanctuary since 2000, any new people who come into my life, I observe them for a long time before I even think about calling them a friend. I’ll call you an acquaintance in a minute, but friend? Nah, that’s truly reserved for those who have proven they know what the word means.
Here’s what I’ve learned over the years from the people who’ve come into my life and stayed, and those who’ve passed through my life….watch how they are with the people they already call friends because how they interact with the already existing friends, is how they will interact with you. I’ve especially learned that if those people disclose to you personal information about their already existing friends or they talk about that person when that person is not around, they will do the same thing to you. And in my opinion, that is NOT a friend!
.-= Kim Sawyer´s last blog ..Pounding On The Judge =-.
Sup and Kim, I agree with everything both of you have said. Sup, I must concur with you on the part about being hurt the most by family. I cannot even begin to describe the family hurt and pain I have suffered. I have had things done and said to me, by family that is so far past unbelievable! There is no judgment, like the judgment of family! From what I have observed in my life, family is the group that refuses to give you the benefit of the doubt or simply give you a break. I just heard someone say in the last couple of weeks, we choose our friends but not our family. I really, really believe there is a thin line between love and hate when it comes to family and at any time, BOOM, the script could be flipped and hatred and mean-spiritedness can just come spewing out! I have seen family members not speak for months and then somebody die or get sick and they come together as if nothing ever happened. Uh…
As I said in an earlier comment, I have had to work on myself to be a better friend. It is tough at times, especially when you want to tell somebody something that may be truthful but painful. Another aspect to all of this is, NONE of us ever see ourselves as others see us, therefore the truth we tell one another may seem very far fetched and way off, when in reality, it is right on, but cannot be understood by the person hearing it. I have been on the receiving/hearing end of that before and cannot believe someone sees me the way they do. I have really, really had to grow up and get closer to God to be able to understand how he reveals stuff to us at times, in hurtful ways and through the most unexpected people. But as Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friends.” If these types of things are spoken to me to, in the end, make me better, I will grit my teeth and take it. Oh and one more thing, those that tell the truth to a friend or family member supposedly “out of love”, especially the big mouthed/very opinionated ones, usually can’t take it if the favor is returned. They cannot take truth or honesty coming their way and they are so hurt and devastated when you tell them. I’ve see it too many times. Just human nature I guess.
The one thing I can openly admit I have done, while jeopardizing friendships/relationships/my sanity is talked too much and shared too much with too many people, especially when I’ve been in despair! You can’t take it back once it is out there and when some of what you have told changes, and you go through whatever it took for the changes, nobody else goes through that with you and your friends/family end up feeling like your enemies. One more thing God had to help me with and let me know, they are acting and speaking out of love for you and hopefully what they deem, your best interest. Lesson learned, find that one or two inner circle or sanctuary friends Kim talks about and share only with them, if you have to share with anyone! My mom is gone, I live in a strange land (GA) with no sanctuary friends, I have no family here and I can truly say, there are many, many things only God knows. Sure, I would like to share some of them sometimes, but as I stated in an earlier post, I don’t believe in unconditional love and I don’t trust anybody 100%, so I tell my best friend… God. To me, all love comes with a price and has conditions on it. I have so many fair weathered friends, family and acquaintances, it’s not funny!
I admire girlfriends who have the closeness to tell each other everything. I have one person in my life like that and unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, it is not a girl, it is a guy.
Great posting! Keep smilin’, Keep shinin’, knowing you can always count on me for sure, That’s what friends are for. For good times and bad times, I’ll be on your side forever more, That’s what friends are for. When I think of those lyrics, there’s only one person that comes to mind. There’s not a Friend like the lowly Jesus…No not one, No not one. He’s always been there and he always will be. I can cast all my cares upon him and I don’t have to worry about it getting out or not being taken care of. Also, What the world needs now is love, sweet love. It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of…No, not just for some, but for everyone. I’m going to break out and sing that in church one day.
Kathy, I agree with you that we don’t see ourselves as others see us. But what I’ve learned is, if those people are not part of your inner and sanctuary circle, it doesn’t matter how they see you. Really, think about it. You already don’t trust them to talk about truly intimate details about you and your life, so why does it matter what they think about you?
And it is so true about those who want to tell you about yourself “in love” but can’t take it when you do the same. I’ve just learned to tune out those type of people. Whatever they have to say to me goes in one ear and out the other. In other words, what they say does not matter to me at all.
Lastly, and I think this is probably the most important lesson I have learned and it was one of the hardest lesson for me to learn – when you are going through things, and emotions are running high, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT share with anyone other than GOD! Because He is the only one that’ll truly guide you in the direction you are suppose to go. If you talk to people, especially family, their emotions get involved, everybody’s hyped, people will tell you what they would do if they were in your shoes, etc. (and we know that’s so not true)and well, there’s just no going back! That may sound harsh, but it’s the truth.
.-= Kim Sawyer´s last blog ..Wordplay Wednesday =-.
OMG Kim! That is the truest of all truths! They tell you what they would do, knowing full well they wouldn’t do the same thing, or from their past experiences, they didn’t do what they are telling you to do!
I have recently gone through some stuff and I will admit (and it is a hard truth to admit), I talked to too many people! And some of the ones I did talk to, talked to others. And some I didn’t talk to came up with their version of what they thought was happening and now I have opinions and attitudes coming from the left, the right, sideways and upside down! My favorites are the ones that tell me to be lead by my heart and God. Seriously, that is probably the most comforting and logical thing anyone has said to me. But as you said, some of these same people have gone through the same things and did exactly the opposite of what they are telling me to do. Why? They are talking from emotions and have nothing invested in my affairs, although they might say, I’m just looking out for your happiness or well-being.
And other part about it is, once they give you their opinion and advice and you take it, where are they the next day and they next day when you still need someone to talk to? No where to be found! You are out there all alone after doing what they advised. Well, I learn that lesson years ago; MOST friends are friends of convenience. I mean, they are your friends when it is convenient for them! When you really, really, really need them, if… and only if, they can fit you in and work around what they have going on, they will be a friend, if not, oh well! Do you know how many times someone – family and friends – have told me they were going to do x y and z and didn’t? I could run a list of things I have done for them and then when it is my turn, when I really need someone, no go!
True true, who cares what many people think of us? I was never comfortable with that thinking until I came to GA and was talked about and shunned and discounted by women for absolutely no reason! I guess just because I was new. The majority of them had never even held one conversation with me! As lately as Monday one of the women, who treated me bad, told me, “yea, we didn’t know you and once we started talking to you we said, she’s alright!” Holla! Here (GA), you are guilty until proven innocent of no crime! Now, I walk with my head up and honestly could care less what they think! I know who I am, God wrote it in His plan for me!
Sup, please let me be there when you sing it. I will put my hands in the air and sway back and forth and wear a peace symbol on my chest!
Didn’t mean to stray from the true topic but that’s one of the things I enjoyed about my mom. She’d point out to me my wrong, line me up with the scriptures or ask me would anybody be hurt in the process of whatever. I don’t have anybody else that does that and I certainly don’t have a friend that I could tell that to. It might go thru my head but to actually say it…..I don’t know!!
It’s ok that we stray. We have had some good conversation about this one.
I agree. It is hard to have true friendships where you can completely speak your mind. As old as I have gotten to be, I have learned which friends are capable of hearing certain truths and I basically know how they will react and to be honest, there are only a few folk (I can use one hand and have fingers left) I want to tell me anything. lol. Here’s what we do as people. They tell us some hard truth to hear and we start running down their life/character in our minds! We’ll say/think, how dare she tell me blah blah blah when she got this going on and that going on, etc. How dare she! But (as my mother used to say) the truth gonna stand when the world’s on fire! That still doesn’t make it easy to hear.
I liked what Leah and Kim had to say. It sounded like they lived through something,. Family can hurt you and tell your business the most.. I don’t have a best friend any more. What I found out to be the truth is as soon as they get madd at you, they tell all of your business. There was an old song we used to sing before all of you were born. Just go and tell Jesus on me, Just go and tell jesus on me, If you are my brother, don’t go and tell another, Just go and tell Jesus on me. Pray for me don’t talk about me. We spell pray, like pray not prey. YOU CAN TALK ABOUT ME AS MUCH AS YOU PLEASE AS LONG AS YOU ARE ON BENDED KNEES. Suppie, Loose lips came from Flip Wilson.