Please Help Me Through My Divorce…
lol. Some of you probably got real excited when you saw the title of today’s post! As I say so often, even with disclaimers, the assumption always is, I’m talking about myself! Not today.
Yesterday Deborah visited us on kleverkathy.com and asked that we talk about divorce. Of course we will!
I am married and not divorced so I can’t intelligently speak on divorce from a first hand perspective as a divorcee, and my parents were married to each other exclusively for some forty years until my mother’s passing, so I can’t give my viewpoint from the perspective of a child from a divorced home but… I know lots of people who are divorced.
What I do know is it is not fun for the couple or the children or the supporters of the family. Anything regarding relationships always has so many sides and aspects to it. And opinions are overflowing, especially when it comes to a couple separating or divorcing. The one thing I have always recognized in situations of this nature is; the opinions of the advice givers are opinions that are given with no real feelings invested. The advice givers do not have the deep, romantic, man/woman commitment/covenant connection the couple has, or used to have, for each other. Their connection is that of an acquaintance, coworker, neighbor, friend, or family member. And their reasoning behind their advice is usually quantified only as “wanting the best” for the couple in question. So their advice on whether the couple should stay together or get a divorce is subjective at best.
All the advice givers have to go on is their logic based on facts they know from what they have been told by the couple and what they have witnessed of the couple. They give advice based on what they (SAY or THINK) would do. The thing is, when advice givers tell the struggling couple what they should do or what they think they should do, so many, many things aren’t taken into account. There are the children, the dogs, the house, the cars, all the things they own together, spousal support, bank accounts, pensions, retirement, the ability for each spouse to make it separately in these financial times, etc. There are so many things that must be taken into consideration.
When Deborah wrote yesterday this is what she asked we talk about:
• What are some of the things to remember when getting a divorce?
• What are some tips to getting the most for your children and yourself?
1. child support
2. spousal support
3. support for college
• How do you get over someone who tells you they love you but they are not in love with you?
• How do you deal when they want to continue living with you even when the divorce is final?
Those are some heavy questions! The floor is open! For those who: are divorced, are children of parents who divorced, are contemplating divorce, know someone who has been divorced or are about to be divorced, and even for those who are not divorced but would like to share their thoughts with Deborah, please…
Holla Back!
Divorce hurts…everybody involved…spouses and children. The bible says, from the beginning it wasn’t so and that’s why I think it hurts so much. Don’t divorce if it’s not what YOU want to do. There may be room for reconcilation that you don’t even know exists right now. Consider your children. I personally promised my child at about age 14 that I would never make him have to choose between his dad and me, but that was just me. Try to calm yourself if there have been heated discussions and fights. Focus on your children and work or the organization of your finances….whatever try to be calm so that you can think rationally at all times. Finally, because I have been divorced and I am quite familiar, pray alot, all the time and everyday. Pray like never before…just have running conversations with God and ask his guidance on everything…groceries, kids schools just everything and give Him sufficient time to answer. Talk to God about your spouse.It might be difficult at times but try. If you don’t know God now is the perfect time to introduce yourself whether you remain married or not, you will need Him. Don’t make hasty decisions and seek legal help.
Dont be a greedy person, let the courts handle the issues if you cant agree, and be honest.
I saw this on a DSS feed and decided to say a thing or two. I just finished mine a year ago and it was hell. The longer it took the worse she became. She got the house (we have 2 children) and the van. No way can she afford both. She’s already asking for money. I’m not giving her anything else. The children can come live with me when she goes under. She decided that she wanted some woman and the woman left her after she had to start help paying the bills. The house is 2 months behind and the van a month. I got my name off because I knew this would happen even though it cost me to do so. I think women are sneeky and very deceptive. My biggest problem with being single is being horny all the time, but I’m glad she is gone. I now realize just how big of a bitch she was. Now she says we should maybe reconsider getting back together for the children’s sake. To be honest I cussed her out and told her not to call me unless it relates to the children. I wish I had never gotten married.
Thanks I saw this and just had to vent.
Charles Davis Jr. I totally understand that your divorce was bad. Well I have been married for 12 years and my husband woke upon morning and told me that he loved me but did not love me like a man should love his wife and that we should get a divorce. I am a business owner, cook every day, clean the house and take care of our children. All I wanted was to get married and live happily ever after with my husband and children. My husband has had 4 affairs that I know about and I still waited for him to realize that he had a good thing at home. I feel used, unloved and I never want to get married again!!! I love the lord and I know that he will bring out of this depression and help me get over a man that does not appreciate what he has. Charles Davis Jr., do you know what he told me “I know we will be together again I just need to do my thing”. He is 49 and still acts as if he is 21. When will he grow up and accept responsibilty????
I’m not sure what to offer you Deborah. This is a decison that I think you need to make. I believe that most men cheat so you might not gain anything if you do divorce. I’m kind of turned off on marriage, but it is the only Christian alternative.
Thanks everyone for your comments it really means a lot!!! I was thinking about separation instead of divorce but it really hard to what to do. I will do the one think I have not been faithful about doing is to pray and ask God what his will is with our marriage. Thanks everyone for your help.
Kathy, Thanks so much for starting this chat line
Deborah, I’m a little late in joining in on this conversation but I just want to share with you what I did throughout my seperation AND divorce…..exactly what Leah said, I prayed continuously that the Lord’s will be done!!!! I believe it was but as Charles said, it’s been like a living hell but I now know God on a different and deeper level than I ever have!!!!!! The things in life that take us through are only to make us stronger! I will be praying for you and him that God will take control of his mind and that it will be on doing God’s will as well.
@Deborah – Deborah, any time. More than posting silly stories or entertainment type stories or even stories about my beloved President and all the political going ons, I would love to daily post a story or question that would stir discussions and ultimately help someone and make a difference in their life. That’s what it’s all about! Helping each other! Deborah, stay with us at kleverkathy. We’d love to hear your comments on other topics and as you are journeying through this time in your life, keep us posted, at least to continue to pray with you. Any time we can give a word that might help, we will. These types of things are difficult and regardless of what you think might be the right thing to do or what I might tell you I think the right thing to do is; ONLY God can give you faultless directions and guidance, for His intended end on any situation. Do what you said you will do, pray and ask God what His will is for your marriage. Don’t be discouraged if doing His will has a negative affect on those who you thought were your support system. God’s plan does not always coincide with your friends and family’s plan. But if you stick it out, His reward will be so much greater than any reward any man could give you! You sound pretty level headed and sincere in wanting His will as opposed to your own. Hang in there. There is a brighter day ahead!!!
As a man I have to be honest and admit that I wish God would let us have sex without having to get married. Genreally after a year or two both parties are tired of each other anyway. I know most women do not probably think like this, but the way I feel right now I wouldn’t marry Janet Jackson. ( Somehow I feel like I just lied)
Plus I have a friend and his pastor told him that they could not be doing oral sex. No way I’m giving up getting/giving… He wants oral , but now his wife is refusing. He flat out told her either she does it or he’ll find someone who does. Plus now she won’t let him do her either.
I don’t understand why it’s a sin. The was a man in the bible somewhere who was doing this. Some King I believe.
If there was no marriage then either one could just move on and be done. I guess I’m just bitter….
Charles Davis Jr., I totally understand how you feel. I am a women who love sex and the idea of not getting with out being married really troubles me. I know that it is something that I will deal with because I want to be in God favor. So try not to be bitter or hate her it will only hurt you in the long run. I know how hard it is and I am not looking forward to getting a divorce especially since I love him so much… Marriage can be wonderful we just have to remember how wonderful it was in the beginning and continue to keep it fresh, exciting, mysterious and adventurous.If I am granted the privilege of marriage again I will make sure to put God first and love that man to death…lol
We are sort of stuck in this life and sometimes no matter what we want things just don’t work out. I’ve known people who have killed themselves because of this very fact. I felt like killing her at times, but I was able to understand that it was just a passing manifestation of my frustration. The sex issues are very big for me. I don’t see how you and others just seem so ok with it. I know you all go to church so I suspect that your religion has caused you to believe that you have some kind of magical powers to control your natural desires. I don’t know. All I see is frustration for me. I wish I had stayed single.
They took her car today from her job. She asked me for the money, cussed me out when I refues so I hung up on her. I’m felling nothing but hate today…
Deborah and Charles, I feel you both on EVERYTHING you have said. Go back and read my post: I’m In a Relationship! Where’s The Handbook! (several post ago). I say in that post, relationships are the hardest thing in the world! Charles, my mother used to say, and let me set this up, she was definitely a play by the book (bible) God fearing woman, but she would say, it is a shame we can’t have sex and get to heaven without having to get married. I understand what you are going through. There are times when I have said, it is too bad family can’t marry (and I don’t really mean that) but at least we would share some innate genes, characteristics and similarities! With two people marrying, in essence you unite two strangers and pray to God it works!
Deborah, hang in there, a brighter day is coming!
Charles, take the cussing and keep moving! I am a woman and I know the tactics of women! But… don’t keep feeling the hate! I had a few folk that have come in my path down through the years and even a couple connected to my husband. They and their antics wore me out. One day someone said to me, about a woman that, unfortunately, has to be in his life (heavy sigh), she is controlling you. Of course I fought that thought but what they were saying was true! Every second I spent thinking and fuming about her nonsense, was time she had control of me. Those were some of the best words ever spoken to me. Now I put her in her place in my life. She and her nonsense no longer control me. Actually, she means little to nothing to me, and that is where I had to file her away in my life. Try it!
Been marry is the hardest thing you will never do in this life ,i have been marry for 30 years it is hard some days are easy some days ,we had our share up and downs in this marry,if want it to work talk too JESUS he as the answer,i will be praying for you and him and the family
At times women are so unreasonable. They have this emotion thing that overrides logic and they just seem like that they want to be a bitch and nothing a person says can make them change their mind. The only thing I’m missing is the sex and I wasn’t getting that before we got divorced anyway.
The worst part was the judge forcing us to live together. I wanted her sorry ass out. Have you even lived with someone that you felt like killing? Everytime she said something it was like someone was grating chalk on a board.
This entire thing has me just pissed off. I need to get laid. Maybe I wouldn’t be so pent up.
Well Charles…. That is heavy. I am married and did it very late in life. I did listen to everything my friends and family told me about marriage before I got married and then experienced the blessed union and must agree with my girlfriend, it is the hardest thing but… and this is a big but… I do believe there is such a thing as a good marriage but it takes: work, sacrifice, turning the other cheek, looking the other way, biting your tongue, compromise, talking, talking, talking, giving in, prioritizing, saying yes when you really mean no and saying no when you really mean yes, ETC!!!! It ain’t gonna happen by looking in each others eyes and declaring your love! It is W-O-R-K!
Gosh, you are so bitter. I hope you never come across your ex when postal-ness hits you! As I said before and I will say it to you, MAN, SHE IS CONTROLLING YOU! Do not give her that power! Take your emotions back and live on! I know that is real general and it is much more complicated than that. I am a woman, I know our ways, but, I imagine, she can flip it around and say some pretty harsh things about men and you too.
It will all take time. Just don’t let her control you anymore! That is an awful way of life! Been there, done that! She might push/provoke you, but it is up to you how you react…
Kathy thanks for reminding me that there is a “Brighter Day Ahead”. That is a song my mother uses too sing in the church choir. Sometimes I cry and I wish he was dead – for causing me so much pain but I do know there is a brighter day ahead. In 55 days I will be divorced and it is not what I really want but I know that you can’t make someone love you the way you love them. I have prayed and ask God to take all feelings I have for this man out of my heart so I can move on.
I told the lord that I did not want to meet anyone but I have SO MUCH LOVE to give. That I’m starting to believe that God has something better for me.
Charles, I know what you mean when you say it’s hard to live with someone that your are divorcing. The best thing that should have happen to me was asking him to move out and give me some space. Hang in there Charles because I believe that God has something great for you only if you release that anger.
Truly time and God heals all wounds.
I would love to revisited this topic in just six months and see where you and Charles are, how you are feeling and what new and exciting is happening in your life!
Oh my….Deborah…some of the things you said are EXACTLY what I have said AND felt!!!!!! Death for him has been a thought but I have to ask for forgiveness for the thoughts, Divorce is so hard AND I too feel I have a lot of love to give but in God’s time He’ll either send someone or cause me to be content in the state I find myself, according to His word. I’ve been by myself for 14 years now but still believe GOD IS ABLE!!!! Deborah, keep the faith and know your latter will be greater… the best is yet to come!!!!
No love offerings here!
I made it through the weekend. I have aa appointment with a doctor today. I need to get some help at this point. She called 10 times yesterday and I didn’t answer. She is not moving back in with me, no way. I’m sick of her.
I appreciate all the advise, Angela, Kathy…but unless you’ve been there you can’t understand. I don’t like the way things occured or the process and all the lies she told. I’ve never really though that I could hate this much…
Hi Charles. Maybe me and Angela haven’t revealed our past/life but trust me, we are qualified to give you advice! We aren’t men but we have experienced life!
10 times…. woa! She is annoying huh? And desperate obviously! If you know there is no way it will work, keep doing what you are doing and do not let her move back in! You got too many issues to work out at this point and that situation would more than likely add to an already violatile relationship.
We are divorced. They took her car last week and the house probably in the next month. Her b/f and g/f moved out when they found out that the payment was $1685/mo. She makes $60,000 but has bills on top of bills and now very bad credit. I made her refinance the house and car so my credit is good. Now you can see why she wants back. No way Hosea. She trying to get me every way possible, like leaving nasty messages and making all kinds of noise, but you know when it gets to the point that you hate someone you don’t even get sexually arroused.
At least not for her…
Funny thing happened this morning. I was in the shower… I think I have one of my problems solved. I just left therapy and I feel better or that as well. I don’t want to kill her naymore, but I would enjoy watching her die….slowly.
If you and Angela have been through what I’m going through and have had the same emotions I’m having then your two are very well capable of a lot of sharing. I think I need to just have sex, don’t get or allow attachments….
Thanks for your good advice, tou too Angela. I appreciate it and I think just osunding off has helped as well also….
I did want to say that I don’t understand all this God stuff. It’s a totally different way of looking at things. From what I’ve read it seems like many of the ppeole who have posted on this subject have or have had divorce issues. You all seem so docile about it. Where’s the anger? I feel like cussing, and I did a time or two. Do you all ever feel like that or does God make you so that you don’t want to do so?
Charles I am on my way to the doctor but I will think about what you have said and respond when I get back.
I’ve also given it some thought. I’m better today as I got lucky last night. I was in Krogers just staring at the ceral like for 20 minutes, lost in thought. This lady said that she had gone past me 3 times and I was still standing there. She asked if I was ok. I told her I had a lot on my mind. She said that she had a few ago stood lost in a dress store like that. Found out that she was recently divorced. She told me to come over to the Starbucks and have coffee. It was funny hold time passed. I think I got to the store around 9ish and I left about 12;30 headed with her to some bar. We ended up totally drunk and got a cab. I don’t really remember much but I woke in her arms this morning feeling awfully damn good. I mean I rememer some of it..(laughing)
My head is still killing me… Hey I remember we were at the VFW.
I said all that to say that I sure have a differnt attitude today. I’m not mad any longer, but I am not helping the ex. I just feel better, even with this massive hang over.
Maybe the answer to getting over someone is to go find someone else…. I think this is why divorced people are in bars, picking up dates…
Deborah have you considered this?
Thanks for everyone’s advice. I’m going to see how it goes from here. I do feel better and I atribute some of it to all of you’s kindness and concern. See you down the rodad ….maybe